Sometimes, it just hurts to think. To go through the life and analyze people, including yourself. To ask questions that never seem to get answered. {....Why did that happen? What was she thinking? Is she serious?....} To compare yourself to others. {....She's so much prettier. smarter. charming. wealthy. stronger. eloquent. creative....} To wonder why people seem to accept certain people more. {....Why did he ask for her and not me? They are all looking for her. She is everyone's favorite person. Everyone knows her. She's is the first to be invited or requested....} To notice all your own bad points. {....loser. unattractive. dumb. quiet. slow. poor. fat. awkward. shy. weird....}
To feel like a puppet, hanging there with your strings being cut, one by one. To just put up a wall and block everyone out. Blasting the music, singing your lungs out. Ignoring the voices around you. Ignoring the thoughts in you head. Going on with life. Putting up a shell, a shield, against others. Trying to stand tall, even though my puppet strings are severed clean. It's a struggle and the shell is not the ultimate defense with minute cracks, vulnerable to those with unsuspecting accuracy. But it is a battle to fight and I intend to win.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Future Is Where It's At
This night was hilarious. Over dessert, we had the most funniest (redundancy is necessary) conversation ever. It was basically discussing the future wife of a close friend, and it was unbelievable of what came up. It first started out about how the wife should know how to cook. Then, it escalated into a ridiculous conversation about extreme muscles, bear wrestling, 7foot plus height, and a weird accent. Haha. It was incredibly hilarious. So if anyone sees or knows a lady that fit those requirements, introduce me to her so I can point her to my friend's direction. LOL!
This conversation also got me started to think about my own future. Even in school, my friends and I had these outrageous talks about our future lives and how we hope they would turn out. We would all eventually live in the same neighborhood, make our kids be friends, having block parties, matchmaking, arranged marriages (Michelle Liu's future daughter has dibs on my future son and JBang's future son has dibs on my future daughter, by the way. rofls!) It's fun talking about these things.
My future, the way I planned it to be, would be something like this:
During college and graduate school, I would be involved with an internship at a laboratory as a forensic scientist and eventually become an official one. I would have moved out of my parents' apartment. I would have my own apartment, with or without a roommate. I don't mind either way, but she has to be someone I trust and can tolerate. Lol. I probably will know how to cook by then, after many attempts and experiences. I will have a dog, either a big one or a medium one, but I will definitely have my own doggy. And I will have my own car, blue or a navy blue one.
I want to move out of my parents' house as soon as I can. When I can make enough to sustain myself, I will move out. They can visit as much as they want, but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want to. I can have my friends over as long as I like. They can crash at my place because I would have extra bedrooms that act like guestrooms and the sofa can fold out to be a bed as well. I would able to decorate my flat however I want to. I can't wait to have my own place.
Uhh, truthfully, I never had much thoughts about my future husband. I want to be married in my mid-twenties. Haha. But I usually skip to the children part. Rofls. But some things I have assumed my husband will be like are having the ability to cook, good personality, taller than me (even if it's only a couple of inches), funny/has a sense of humor/can make me laugh, somewhat good/average looking (doesn't have to be eye candy haha), cleans/picks up after himself, and CHRISTIAN, of course. Oh, and preferably older. Everything else can be judged later. xD
I would have 2 kids(or more haha). My dad and my uncle are twins, so twins run in my family. I want to have twins, rofls. Preferably one boy and one girl, or my firstborn to be a boy and then the second child to be a girl. Maybe it's because I always wanted an older brother but I love the whole idea of the older brother being protective of the younger sister. But overall, any gender, in any order is good really. I would love them just the same. I don't want 3 kids, though. I don't want my middle child to suffer from the middle child complex. (As you can see, I have put much thought into this. Haha.)
My dream house would be a nice big-ish house with a lawn, backyard, 2+ bathrooms (haha!), driveway, 3-5 bedrooms (some are used as guestrooms probably), and large living room. Or it would a be 2-story apartment, which would probably be dubbed as a penthouse. LOL. Like those houses within an apartment building. It would be the best hangout house for just chilling or for fellowship. Expensive, but it's my dream, so I can dream whatever I want to dream. Haha.
So, that's what I want my future to be. But I know it would not probably end up exactly the same. I put more thought into it than I thought. Rofls.
This conversation also got me started to think about my own future. Even in school, my friends and I had these outrageous talks about our future lives and how we hope they would turn out. We would all eventually live in the same neighborhood, make our kids be friends, having block parties, matchmaking, arranged marriages (Michelle Liu's future daughter has dibs on my future son and JBang's future son has dibs on my future daughter, by the way. rofls!) It's fun talking about these things.
My future, the way I planned it to be, would be something like this:
During college and graduate school, I would be involved with an internship at a laboratory as a forensic scientist and eventually become an official one. I would have moved out of my parents' apartment. I would have my own apartment, with or without a roommate. I don't mind either way, but she has to be someone I trust and can tolerate. Lol. I probably will know how to cook by then, after many attempts and experiences. I will have a dog, either a big one or a medium one, but I will definitely have my own doggy. And I will have my own car, blue or a navy blue one.
I want to move out of my parents' house as soon as I can. When I can make enough to sustain myself, I will move out. They can visit as much as they want, but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want to. I can have my friends over as long as I like. They can crash at my place because I would have extra bedrooms that act like guestrooms and the sofa can fold out to be a bed as well. I would able to decorate my flat however I want to. I can't wait to have my own place.
Uhh, truthfully, I never had much thoughts about my future husband. I want to be married in my mid-twenties. Haha. But I usually skip to the children part. Rofls. But some things I have assumed my husband will be like are having the ability to cook, good personality, taller than me (even if it's only a couple of inches), funny/has a sense of humor/can make me laugh, somewhat good/average looking (doesn't have to be eye candy haha), cleans/picks up after himself, and CHRISTIAN, of course. Oh, and preferably older. Everything else can be judged later. xD
I would have 2 kids(or more haha). My dad and my uncle are twins, so twins run in my family. I want to have twins, rofls. Preferably one boy and one girl, or my firstborn to be a boy and then the second child to be a girl. Maybe it's because I always wanted an older brother but I love the whole idea of the older brother being protective of the younger sister. But overall, any gender, in any order is good really. I would love them just the same. I don't want 3 kids, though. I don't want my middle child to suffer from the middle child complex. (As you can see, I have put much thought into this. Haha.)
My dream house would be a nice big-ish house with a lawn, backyard, 2+ bathrooms (haha!), driveway, 3-5 bedrooms (some are used as guestrooms probably), and large living room. Or it would a be 2-story apartment, which would probably be dubbed as a penthouse. LOL. Like those houses within an apartment building. It would be the best hangout house for just chilling or for fellowship. Expensive, but it's my dream, so I can dream whatever I want to dream. Haha.
So, that's what I want my future to be. But I know it would not probably end up exactly the same. I put more thought into it than I thought. Rofls.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Missing Figure
Are you really for real?
You didn't care before.
After so many years,
Do you really think you can order me around?
Pretend that you were there all this time?
You were never around before.
And you are never around now.
What made you even have the slightest idea
That I have any respect for you?
I do not want to hear your complaints
'Cause I have plenty of my own.
But you're never around to hear them.
So, there you go.
People just get what they deserve.
You didn't care before.
After so many years,
Do you really think you can order me around?
Pretend that you were there all this time?
You were never around before.
And you are never around now.
What made you even have the slightest idea
That I have any respect for you?
I do not want to hear your complaints
'Cause I have plenty of my own.
But you're never around to hear them.
So, there you go.
People just get what they deserve.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Strumming Life Away
I have been waiting to get my guitar since forever! Okay, fine. Not forever, but it feels like it. The urge to buy a guitar has been renewed because I stumbled upon this girl on youtube and her singing and guitar skills are amazing! Her name is Marie Digby and she is relatively a new artist. I really recommend you guys to go check out her songs. Her first album came out called, "Unfold." My favorites are "Say It Again", "Stupid for You", "Traffic" and "Miss Invisible." Amazing, this girl. Jam sessions start tomorrow and I really want someone to teach me the song "Say It Again." And when I finally get my guitar, I can practice by myself. Can't wait! :D
Now I just have to bug Dennis and/or Mat to take me (and Andrew, since he wants an electric guitar) to guitar stores. I really like the Epiphone EJ-200CE Acoustic-Electric Guitar. It is so pretty. Too bad I didn't see it at the Guitar Center so I could have tried it out. But the thing is, it is almost a $100 over my budget. I was only planning to spend $300 on a guitar and this one is $399.
Sigh..we'll see. I already turned down watching the Broadway musical Phantom of the Opera because of the price. I have to save money now because of college and senior year spending. Oh joy...
Now I just have to bug Dennis and/or Mat to take me (and Andrew, since he wants an electric guitar) to guitar stores. I really like the Epiphone EJ-200CE Acoustic-Electric Guitar. It is so pretty. Too bad I didn't see it at the Guitar Center so I could have tried it out. But the thing is, it is almost a $100 over my budget. I was only planning to spend $300 on a guitar and this one is $399.
Sigh..we'll see. I already turned down watching the Broadway musical Phantom of the Opera because of the price. I have to save money now because of college and senior year spending. Oh joy...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
College List
The OFFICIAL List of Colleges/Universities I'm Applying To:
- Penn State, University Park
- University of New Haven
- University of Maryland, College Park
- Pace University
- CUNY Honors
- CUNY John Jay of Criminal Justice
So it is fair. 50/50 Chance of staying In State (city, really.) vs. Out of State.
It's up to the admissions counselor from each institution to decide whether or not I stay.
- Penn State, University Park
- University of New Haven
- University of Maryland, College Park
- Pace University
- CUNY Honors
- CUNY John Jay of Criminal Justice
So it is fair. 50/50 Chance of staying In State (city, really.) vs. Out of State.
It's up to the admissions counselor from each institution to decide whether or not I stay.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
God is a DJ
Lately, I have been having so many thoughts of having my own place and the urge to move out, which is virtually impossible since I am not a legal adult and I do not have a stable income yet. Maybe it might be a good idea to leave home for college. I've always had the mindset that I will move out of my parents' home and have a place with one or two of my closest friends. I never imagined to ever stay in the apartment I grew up in. I grow excited at the mere thought of decorating the walls and rooms with what I want without anyone else to say otherwise. And we would have a dog, preferably a Siberian Husky, as our guard dog. Haha.
It was funny because the other day I was imagining how my own apartment would look like. (Yeah, a bit too early, but eh.) And the idea of having a secret room popped into my head. My mother always yelled at me for playing video games. In my mind, I imagined a door and when it was opened it would look like a closet, but it would be just one large set of shelves, such as a bookcase, and it can be lifted up and pushed back and then to the right out of the way, it would reveal a hi-tech T.V. lounge. This was a totally random thought when I was walking to my tutoree's house. No joke. Ha.
Well, there was a prayer night and I thought it was really successful. It was fun talking and sharing. Even though I was not able to talk to much of the College&Career, it was still is gratifying experience. It's nice to know that there are people willing to listen to you and pray for you. My favorite was I joined a circle when they decided to have a prayer dedicated to what people are thankful for. It got me thinking of everything I was most thankful for. Friends, my mother for bringing me to church at the age of 3, my close brothers and sisters at church, praise team, VBS. It just makes the heart feel good.
It was funny because the other day I was imagining how my own apartment would look like. (Yeah, a bit too early, but eh.) And the idea of having a secret room popped into my head. My mother always yelled at me for playing video games. In my mind, I imagined a door and when it was opened it would look like a closet, but it would be just one large set of shelves, such as a bookcase, and it can be lifted up and pushed back and then to the right out of the way, it would reveal a hi-tech T.V. lounge. This was a totally random thought when I was walking to my tutoree's house. No joke. Ha.
Well, there was a prayer night and I thought it was really successful. It was fun talking and sharing. Even though I was not able to talk to much of the College&Career, it was still is gratifying experience. It's nice to know that there are people willing to listen to you and pray for you. My favorite was I joined a circle when they decided to have a prayer dedicated to what people are thankful for. It got me thinking of everything I was most thankful for. Friends, my mother for bringing me to church at the age of 3, my close brothers and sisters at church, praise team, VBS. It just makes the heart feel good.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Mismatched Identity?
Oh joy, another day of VBS has passed. It was not that bad today. Only had to raise my voice once or twice. Special Classes started today and Sports is one of the most easiest to teach, but the most injuries occurs. Already on the first day I had to patch one of the kids up from a fall. Oh fun. It's alright for now and probably will get better as we get a feeling of how the kids are.
I was told that I look like a Bayside/Cardozo Girl today and I have no idea what that means. ^^; My TA partner was trying to guess what school I went to and he was so sure I was a Bayside or Cardozo girl. And when I told him I was from Bronx Science, he goes "Oh, you're one of those girls." Uhhh...what is that supposed to mean? If anyone knows, can you please clarify because I am completely clueless. And what does a Bayside/Cardozo girl look like anyways? Thanks.
I was told that I look like a Bayside/Cardozo Girl today and I have no idea what that means. ^^; My TA partner was trying to guess what school I went to and he was so sure I was a Bayside or Cardozo girl. And when I told him I was from Bronx Science, he goes "Oh, you're one of those girls." Uhhh...what is that supposed to mean? If anyone knows, can you please clarify because I am completely clueless. And what does a Bayside/Cardozo girl look like anyways? Thanks.
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